Annie: Holding Back the Tears - Part 2

This is the second excerpt of a novel 'Holding Back the Tears' written by a mum who lost her son to suicide. You can read more about Annie and the first excerpt of this novel here:

Annie: Holding Back the Tears - Part 1

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Stiff and rigid, her expression strong and full of purpose, her voice began to quiver as she said "One day I shall be ready to say goodbye to you ME LADDIE but not yet." That very same moment a large heart shape cloud voyaging through its journey in the sky split into two pieces. One part went in one direction, the other part faded out of sight into the unknown.

The candle glow had now dimmed, bringing her reality once again back into the forefront of her mind and she suddenly became aware she could no longer see clouds. All there was left to see was a moonlit starry darkness. Feeling disorientated for a moment, standing at the window, Rosie shuddered when the coldness from the window pane touched her face. Tiredness and a very, very deep-rooted sadness, which she had never experienced in the whole of her 42 years of life, hit her as she reached for another candle to light it with the one sitting on the ledge with its glow now barely visible. She then walked away from the window taking a last glance at the comforting flame which reflected her image onto the glass. Looking back at her stood an image she hated. What she saw was a Rosie Gilmour she no longer recognised.

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The phone rang out loud in the quietness of the house, travelling up the stairway into the bedroom where Rosie lay sleeping trying to make up for the sleep she had lost. Her heart pounding as she wakened on hearing the ringing, she began to scream.

When her screams subsided she looked around the bedroom then the deep feeling of sadness swept over her once more. Weakness gripped her soul and body, setting every nerve in her body on edge. Laying her head back down to rest on the pillow, Rosie closed her eyes again, blocking out the fact she was not dreaming. Her son was dead. It was a fact. He was indeed dead.

The word dead was too much to bare: it was a word that meant to her final. She decided there and then she would exchange it for ''Me Laddie is having a rest.''

Final would mean to her she had already said goodbye to Finlay and had accepted he was not coming back and she was not prepared to do that. Not yet. "I'm never going to ever see Me Laddie ever again."

"Not yet,'' she  repeated to herself over and over, "not yet."

Whenever feelings of overwhelming sadness incapacitated her ability to function in her normal day to day living chores, she would retreat to her bedroom and reach for a journal she kept under her bed. There, she would write down her emotions through writing poetry from her most inner thoughts. This she did in her Scottish dialect then recite them aloud.

I COVER MA FACE

IS THIS WHIT THEY CAW

THE HUMAN RACE

HE TOOK HIS LIFE

NAE ONE KENS WHY

THIS IS WHY I CRY

TEARS TELL NAE LIE

OH THE PAIN I FEEL

DEEP INSIDE.

NIGHTFALL COMES

INSTEAD OH SLEEP

ME EEN ARE OPEN WIDE

I SEE HIS FACE I FEEL HIS TOUCH

I KEN HE IS BY ME SIDE

I SAY WORDS NAE

MITHER KIN HIDE

DEEP IN MA HERT

IS NAETHING BUT SORROW

I TREASURE TODAY

AS YE NEVER KEN TELL

WHIT  WILL COME  TOMORROW.

She was startled by a voice, a sweet soft gentle voice saying "What can be done to help you?" In a low whisper she said, "give me a new heart maybe." Rosie believed if she did not display her true feelings or answer any questions which came her way she would stop any detection in her voice of how she really felt inside. She said quietly, "There is nothing anyone can do to help me but if anyone can give me back Me Laddie then that is all I need.''

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The full novel is now available on Amazon and can be accessed via the following links:

UK - Holding Back The Tears
US - Holding Back The Tears
It is also available on Amazon for Germany, France, Spain & Italy